It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
