there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
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I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
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Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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