The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
