I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
