I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
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there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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