So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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