I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
