atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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