new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
