I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
