She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
