Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
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