Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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