I think I am morally bankrupt
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
