So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
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Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
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He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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