i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
