if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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