she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
