how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
