I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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