Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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