Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
