I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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