Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
