Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
