i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
