I want to have your abortion
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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