I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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