My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
