Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
