I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
