I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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