dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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