so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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