I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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