god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
