I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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