i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
