omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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