Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize