I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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