If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
