I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
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Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
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Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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