Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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