I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
