I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
