A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
