There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
