I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
