Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize