i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
