When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just pee around me
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
