My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He shit in the fireplace
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
