that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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