it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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