Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
