I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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