Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
