Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
